Chet's Canoe Part Two

TITANIC SINKS ON MAIDEN VOYAGE!!!!

The two survivors were wet and nearly delirious from laughter but otherwise OK.

BY:  Chet

So, one day, I decide I’m into this canoeing thing and I go out and I find the cheapest canoe on the market; step one towards canoe success.  Then I take it home and scratch the paint off the roof rack on the van and nearly have the canoe blow off the roof. Step two not quite as planned but I’m still now a proud boat owner, you know, livin’ the American dream.  Then as soon as I can, I get my pretty piece of camouflage fiberglass registered and hunt down some paddles and a life jacket; step three.  We’ve tentatively named the vessel the Titanic, mostly for its grandeur and splendor about her.  Now comes the hard part; waiting for a break in life to start fishing happily ever after.  At this point I’m pretty much thinking about joining the local yacht club.    

That break came on a gorgeous Saturday that was wet cold and windy; what luck!  So my friend Dan G, who is up to this point only an innocent bystander that has been giving me advice, shows up in his black chariot and is quite tickled by my canoe, not even being able to stop laughing to breathe.  Apparently, where he comes from, they don’t build canoes like mine.  But my wonderful wife has my back and tells him he is just jealous.  That, in turn, lifts my spirits and tickles him even more and my wife is pretty confident she’ll have to start resuscitation efforts soon.

After strapping everything down and figuring it will stay secured long enough to make it to the lake, I turn to the handy dandy Google maps and we find our destination without trouble.  Lake Constance look out! 

We pull up alongside the boat launch and dump our stuff on the shore.  As Dan parks the black chariot, I start throwing stuff in the canoe and getting fishing stuff ready.  He, in turn, starts emptying his pockets of things that might be wrecked if submerged.  This isn’t my first time in a boat and although it seems entirely unnecessary, (this is the Titanic after all, the unsinkable ship) I follow his example. 

When we pushed off and I settled in the back, it was immediately like balancing on a tightrope in a hurricane, also known as impossible.  When I realized things weren’t going well and that the water level was actually higher than the left side of the canoe, I made an unselfish decision to frantically step one foot out in order to save us.  It was a valiant effort but a failed one.  Apparently, when I was attempting to be a hero, Dan essentially reached an arm out and the Titanic came to rest on his left side, bring Dan down with it.   It was almost like he was just lying there on the floor minus the freezing cold lake water.  One paddle swiftly exited the boat and started making its way across the lake.

Attempt one was an epic failure and two wasn’t any better.  After further emptying our pockets, we saddled up again without any fishing gear and minus one paddle.  Now we had a mission; retrieve the paddle that is rapidly floating away without flipping again.  Problem was, we didn’t make it five feet from shore last round and the paddle was easily ten times that and not slowing down. 

I got in the front and sat in the bottom of the boat in an attempt to keep the center of gravity a little lower.  While laughing, and cautioning each other not to laugh, we made it out to the paddle and back with only a few close calls.  He got out and vowed to never again set foot in my canoe, mumbling and sputtering something about not being a fan of cold water.

 My wife, of course, didn’t marry me for my brains and I hopped back in and began to put it through sea trials by myself.  My conclusion was that my three person canoe is stable when paddled by one person sitting in the front seat facing backwards. That seems to put the weight towards the center.  However, I will not be able to be totally sure as the Titanic returned to Craigslist before it ever had its name officially painted on its side. 

I was partnered in this venture with my investment partner and brother Cole. Sad thing is he never paid me or bought himself a life jacket before our dream came it a swift and soggy end.